No, this is not a mock draft. I am not trying to predict what will happen tonight. That is a fool's errand this year with so many volatile commodities on the board.
I do know with certainty what I want to happen. My twisted brain gets satisfaction from a lot of different things.
I love it when picks reveal the inner nature of organizations. Make no mistake, the draft is the one moment on the offseason calendar when the doors to the operation fly open and we get to see exactly what these teams believe put into action, and it tickles me when their actions match exactly what my unfair characterization of them assumed.
I have teams and players I root for. I want the players I like to go higher, or in a situation that is fertile soil for them. I want the teams to make decisions that are smart - at least ones that seem that way from my ill-informed perspective.
With four months of work invested in getting know another draft class, it's hard to avoid an emotional attachment to certain outcomes. Here's a first round that would make me happy:
1. Houston - Jadeveon Clowney, DE, South Carolina - No one trades down because they don't want to give up bullets in this deep draft. Houston doesn't overthink the pick and remembers that no player in this class makes you say "Holy (expletive)" more than Clowney.
2. St. Louis - Greg Robinson, OT, Auburn - A Jeff Fisher team and the way Greg Robinson plays football fit together like a hand and glove.
3. Jacksonville - Sammy Watkins, WR, Clemson - Watkins is a rare constellation of physical tools, dedication, and toughness. He deserves to go this high.
4. Cleveland - Derek Carr, QB, Fresno State - I love the Browns fanbase. I want things to turn around for them. But there is something poetic about the Browns zeroing in on Carr as their guy when faced with the options available here.
5. San Francisco (from Oakland) - Mike Evans, WR, Texas A&M - The 49ers can't be passive tonight. They need to do something bold to get over the hump, and this fits. Oakland needs everything, they'd be happy to take something like what Cleveland got from Atlanta in 2011 for Julio Jones.
6. Atlanta - Aaron Donald, DT, Pittsburgh - Disruption is production (h/t to Josh Norris). I don't care what defense you run, you can find a place for Donald.
7. Tampa Bay - Khalil Mack, OLB/DE, Buffalo - A perfectly emblematic player of the dawn of the Lovie era in Tampa.
8. Minnesota - Blake Bortles, QB, Central Florida - I think Norv Turner would like to work with a talent like Bortles, and the two just might hit it off.
9. Buffalo - Odell Beckham Jr., WR, LSU - This makes sense based on the emphasis on team speed and an offense that is the aggressor blueprint from last year's draft and Doug Marrone's philosophy.
10. Detroit - Jake Matthews, OT, Texas A&M - Kick Reiff inside and create a cocoon of comfort for Stafford to operate from.
11. Tennessee - Ryan Shazier, LB, Ohio State - Give Ray Horton another Daryl Washington and mayhem will ensue.
12. New York Giants - Ha-Ha Clinton-Dix, S, Alabama - The idea of Clinton-Dix and Rolle patrolling together pleases me.
13. St. Louis Rams (from Washington) - Justin Gilbert, CB, Oklahoma State - Another pick I'm making in the spirit of the Jeff Fisher Titans drafts.
14. Chicago - CJ Mosley, LB, Alabama - Carrying on the tradition of great middle linebackers in Chicago.
15. Pittsburgh - Ra'Shede Hageman, DL, Minnesota - Purely as a Steelers fan, I would want Bridgewater here, but that's too easy. Hageman is highly projectable as a DE in Lebeau's defense, and as a pick it just fits this regime's modus operandi as of late. Also, as a Steelers fan, I'm accustomed to feeling disappointed when they pick, and this would do the trick.
16. Dallas - Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M - Manziel is a uniquely Texan figure. We all know deep down inside that this is meant to be.
17. Green Bay (from Baltimore) - Eric Ebron, TE, North Carolina - Ozzie Newsome shrewdly trades down in a deep first round and the Packers get the best tight end on the board.
18. New York Jets - Anthony Barr, DE/OLB, UCLA - When it comes to massive, athletic guys on the line of scrimmage, Rex Ryan can't have too many.
19. Miami - Taylor Lewan, OT, Michigan - Just feels right.
20. Arizona - Calvin Pryor, S, Louisville - One of the defenses with the right personnel in the secondary and defensive philosophy to fit Pryor's strengths.
21. Baltimore (from Green Bay) - Zack Martin, OL, Notre Dame - Ozzie lets the draft come to him and lands a stalwart right tackle.
22. Philadelphia - Brandin Cooks, WR, Oregon State - The other shoe in the DeSean Jackson release drops.
23. Kansas City - Xavier Su'a-Filo, OL, UCLA - The Chiefs use the draft to plug a hole left by free agency. Would cheer a Bridgewater pick too.
24. Cincinnati - Teddy Bridgewater, QB, Louisville - I would also be thrilled to see Bridgewater land in New England, but what I like even better about Cincinnati is that it would be another clue that they use wisdom of the crowd in their draft philosophy.
25. San Diego - Louis Nix, DT, Notre Dame - Makes perfect sense as the anchor in John Pagano's defense.
26. Cleveland (from Indianapolis) - Darqueze Dennard, CB, Michigan State - Browns make a safe, but uninspired pick to balance out a risky, but uninspired pick.
27. New Orleans - Dee Ford, DE/OLB, Auburn - One-dimensional, but a dimension that this already good Rob Ryan defense is lacking.
28. Carolina - Morgan Moses, OT, Virginia - The Panthers are taking the gas tank all the way to E on the wide receiver search.
29. Jacksonville (from New England) - Jimmy Garoppolo, QB, Eastern Illinois - Garoppolo is too protypical in a vacuum for the NFL to allow him to fall out of the first round. Patriots are trade out of the first team all the way this year.
30. Oakland (from San Francisco) - Tom Savage, QB, Pittsburgh - We can always count on Oakland for comic relief in the first round.
31. Houston (from Denver) - AJ McCarron, QB, Alabama - The Texans panic when their target Savage is taken and find another zonk behind Door #3.
32. Seattle - Kelvin Benjamin, WR, Florida State - The answer to Mike Evans in the NFC West arms race. The Seahawks trust their culture to get Benjamin on board and picture the most positive outcome with Benjamin adding a lethal vertical element and mismatch while Harvin carves up the defense in the short passing game.